What’s your favorite band?  Who’s your favorite member?  If you said the Beatles pick again, I’m trying to prove a point here.  Let’s say you picked Led Zeppelin. Do you like the dirty guitar wizardry of Jimmy Page?  Is it Robert Plant’s howl you prefer? Maybe even John Bonham’s crazy antics behind the kit.  Whichever you said, ten to one odds you didn’t pick the bassist.

            I don’t even know the bassist’s name and chances are (let’s say thirty to one) you don’t either.  Let me tell you a little secret: he likes it that way.  That bassist there is a tricky fellow.  He doesn’t want you to know his name any more than he wants to know what you had for breakfast this morning, or your mother’s maiden name.  I know, because I am one.

            Hi my name is Jeff Craley and I play bass.

            The bass is simple.  It’s the easiest instrument to play in any rock band set up.  All you need to know are the chord changes and you are set for a career of one note pedaling.  Though despite the instrument’s thankless simplicity, there are minor tricks for true success.

            Let’s start with the look.  As the bassist you are the mutant.  Glance around you at the other members of the band.  Look the opposite.  Example one, Paul Simonon of the Clash.  In a band of snot faced punks, Paul Simonon is good looking.  I know what you’re saying, that’s only one case of thousands.  Here’s another example: The Beatles.  Another pretty Paul in a band of Englishman. 

            If you’ve got the look you could have soda bottles for hands and it probably wouldn’t make a difference.  Punk rock’s poster boy Sid Vicious could barely play bass, almost not at all.  After their first bassist quit, Sid was added for his fashion sense and track marks.  I can only imagine his snotty face laughing in Punk Rock Valhalla while other musicians desperately try to hone their craft before their fashion.  Sid Vicious was a true Rock n’ Roll Swindle.

            Mastering the look can be hard to accomplish but, done effectively, it can have powerful results.  The bass is a large and stupid looking instrument.  Think of it like carrying a large dog.  If it’s wriggling around in your hands you look like an idiot so you need to make it your bitch.  Take Rick James.  Rick James was not a bassist.  However, for album covers and press photos he donned the instrument, tamed it, and pointed it straight at the camera. Even though he didn’t play it, James’ pioneering work in making the bass a symbol of oversized manhood is applauded and studied by bassists to this very day and likely for years to come.

            Say you lack the fashion sense and reckless abandon to find greatness on your own.  Two words: root note.  Every chord has a root note.  The guitarist could be slashing stunning feats of technicality and if you’re playing the root note it sounds fine.  All you need is one note for every chord and you could play any type of music.

            Now that you’ve locked onto that single note you need, you have to play it.  Here’s where rhythm comes into play.  Throughout the Pixies career, Kim Deal rarely strayed from the root note, but was admired for her metronomicly even pedaling.  Discounting her femininity, Deal’s fame is due to her solid work on the bass.

            If you can’t stick the quarter notes, never fear.  Here’s a little trick I developed during years of botched notes.  Play all the quarter notes, but accent the ones you’re closest to the beat.  Instead of sounding like a stumbling buffoon, accenting certain beats has the dynamic effect of pumping.  You fade into unimportant beats, the ones you can botch without general alarm, and thump into the important ones.  If done correctly, all you have to do is keep going and watch heads bob to your beats of choice.

            See how easy it is.  Go out there and master your domain.  The bass is calling you.  That heart palpitation you feel as a truck rumbles by is under James Jamerson’s fingers.  There’s just one catch.  Who is James Jamerson?