Happy Thursday!  No really Happy Thursday...

 Staff writer Jesse Tate lampoons the state of politics, science, and Steve Martin's latest buffoonery.

            Happy Thursday! No, really happy Thursday. This truly is the most beautiful day of the week especially after realizing you’ve almost made it through another week. A week filled with work, memos, conferences, and annoying bosses. Lame! But wait what’s that? Iran has launched their first satellite into space and Hugo Chavez won the Venezuelan presidency in the most obvious sham election since Kennedy v. Nixon. It sounds interesting, but way too depressing for a Thursday night. Yes, most people are aware of these pressing issues, but seem perfectly content to talk about them over dinner at TGIFridays for an hour and then as soon as the bill is paid these thoughts magically melt away. Go ahead and get a head start on drinking away your conscience concerning global events.  Still concerned for the plight of millions of impoverished African children? Shotgun another beer and all your concerns will float away into sweet, sweet oblivion. But just try not to remember in the time it took for you to drink that beer a child died from malnutrition in Africa.

            Oh wait I forgot that I have certain obligations when writing these little shots of happiness! They should be upbeat, uplifting, so that people can go into the weekend on an artificial high that makes them completely oblivious to the doom that seems ready to consume our rapidly decaying world. So without further ado, here’s my stuff about funny people:

            Hey, remember when Steve Martin used to be funny? No? Me neither. Come to think of it I can’t remember the movie that made him so beloved to people that he can continue to take cinematic craps all over audiences and get away with it. Every actor has at least one golden movie that people will always fondly recall no matter how much said actor may be trying to kill his career by purposely taking roles in the Pink Panther remakes. Was that Steve Martin reference too obvious? No matter really, but I’m still trying to recall the last funny movie he made. Maybe Father of the Bride? No it couldn’t be that one; it was enjoyable, but if it were a girl she wouldn’t be someone I would bring home to my parents. It seems most of his vaunted comedic talent has gone towards a guest spot on 30 Rock and pissing on Peter Sellers’ grave. Twice. Sorry that was rude what I meant to say is that most of his “comedic talent” has gone towards doing a song and dance number on Peter Seller’s grave while trying to pronounce “hamburger” and failing miserably. Then again from the way these Pink Panther movies are pulling in money its safe to say the studios are already working on the third movie: Steve Martin Awkwardly Pronouncing Words…In Space. Hopefully he’ll have time to complete the last movie in the Cheaper By The Dozen trilogy beforehand. In this installment Steve’s wacky mother comes to visit and of course chaos ensues! Rumor has it that his mom will be played by either Queen Latifah or Tyler Perry in his fat suit since those two have cornered the market on sassy black female characters. Instant classic.

            I also feel obligated to mention the Oscars: Hugh Jackman has never been more Australian and less badass in his life.

            Obligation completed.

            I take that back actually. The guy from Twilight just came on stage and made an awkward vampire reference. Zing! A topical actor! A topical movie! Maybe now teenagers will watch this! Speaking as a heterosexual male who has seen Twilight (its justifiable when you’re trying to get into your ex-girlfriend’s pants) I must say it’s a lot easier to take him seriously when he’s not wearing day-glo disco glitter on his face or trying to act. He actually looked relaxed and normal as opposed to brooding, mysterious, and constipated. Meanwhile the girl next to him (who is she again?) desperately tries to get her joke in before they cut her off and go to the montage. Now I can say…

            Obligation completed.